Choose Well

What will you choose

While your insecurities are fanned

Yet you have all you need

And the indulgence feels irresistable

Do you choose

To guard what you have built

Or is the lure of a hollow filled

Worth losing it all



What will you say

When you’ve chosen external satiation

And the heart you’ve trampled

Beats injured in your wake

Will you say

I’m sorry

And if you do

Will that be enough



How will you rectify

The mess that you made

The shame that you feel

The fraud that you’ve become

Choose well

Think often

Take the next right step

Be your model of excellence


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That’s What It Is

It’s the wound that bleeds the most

It’s the tears that fall with force

It’s the fear that pierces your gut

It’s the loss that kills something inside

It’s the days when nothing feels good

It’s the nightmares that leave you paralyzed

It’s the moments you wish you were invisible

And the moments that you are


It’s the glimpse of bright light

It’s the mundane sounds that make you smile

It’s the nod from a trusted friend

It’s the butterflies in your stomach

It’s the excitement for tomorrow

It’s the touch from one who loves you

It’s the split second of understanding

That turns into days of knowing


It’s the enthusiasm in your eyes

It’s the peace of self-acceptence

It’s the certainty of your path

It’s the comprehension that you lost nothing

It’s the true definition of forgiveness

It’s the release of all that has passed

It’s the day you came to own it

And the life you lived thereafter

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Alright, Motherfuckers…

I just have to sound off about this bullshit going on with some Atheist Tweeters telling other Atheist Tweeters how to run their twitter accounts. What they should and shouldn’t say, what politically correct words are allowed, and which ones have been altered so you have to jump the fuck over to this new word or term and then me and my precious, cunty friends won’t be offended. How about you go fuck yourselves? Can we make that happen, assholes? For crying in a bucket, shut the fuck up already.

Let people say what they want to say. Let them be who they are. Who are you to demand that another satisfy your emotional and psychological needs in cyber-fucking-space? Or really anywhere, for that matter. Get your shit worked out. All that mess inside that you don’t have the kischkas to confront. Lay your focus on getting real familiar with how life truly is. It’s not going to work out well for you if you need everyone else to behave in a certain way so you can rest easy. Grow the fuck up.

Now for those of you who feel intimidated by certain tweeters and can sense yourself being influenced by their demands on how to tweet, I say fuck those tweeters. They’re not better than you. You created a twitter account so you could have a place to learn, hangout, enjoy some friendships, but ultimately to show us who you are and what you think. Please stay on that track. I so look forward to growing with you. As much as I enjoy giving a good beatdown, I can’t defend or assist everyone and I don’t want to. I’d like to see you strengthen your Atheist Twitter muscles by trial and error. It’s the only way to do it. There are so many supportive people around you so go ahead and risk it.

And as for the ridiculous arguments over who should eat what and who should exercise what constitutional right… are you fucking kidding me? If you have a good argument for something just fucking tweet about it. Let the agreement and disagreement come naturally. Why would you get into someone’s face about such private and personal choices? It’s fucking absurd. Everyone just calm the fuck down already. Tweet your shit, develop your gig, allow for discourse, and stop pushing each other around about really intimate and personal shit. That’s so bizarre to me.

I find that most of those I follow have a similar perspective on this hideous phenomenon. I truly appreciate that. If you’re one of the few that doesn’t, please adjust yourself or take your ass off my TL. I’d like to see enough room here for everyone. Don’t intentionally poke at another and claim that you are standing up for the rights of this or that group or cause. You’re fucking poking because you can do so easily behind your keyboard. You look like a jackass.


That’s all I have for you at this point. Now get back out there.

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Even If You Show Me Yours

I guard fiercely my right to physical privacy.

I’m okay with what you do, try to be okay with what I don’t do. 

Assumptions lead to horseshittery.

Physical intimacy is precious to me.

I don’t share it easily.

When I do, it’s spectacular.

I’m not cold or scared.

I’m warm and giving.

My choices are quite deliberate.

I don’t judge your choices.

I applaud them.

I expect the same in return.


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Atheism: It Just Fits

I haven’t written about my atheism and how I arrived here since I started this blog several months ago. I’ve often wondered why I haven’t the desire to do so. In those times of consideration I’ve come to the same conclusion. That my lack of belief in gods, the supernatural, miracles, divine intervention, prayer as a useful tool, and so on is truly a well-reasoned and thoroughly analyzed understanding of reality. The peace this feeling has given me is so deep that I find it challenging to describe. What I can tell you is that it just fits. Beautifully.

All of the dependency on God that I had for much of my life has been erased. At first I felt a great sense of loss. Feelings of disorientation, resentment, and nihilism loaded my mind. I had so much I needed to work through. I was audibly irritated for a while. I know I hurt and jarred many with my commentary and rhetorical questions. My sarcasm was in high gear. A clear sign of my hostility toward the fact that I had been indoctrinated as a child and forced to shuffle along with the herd, being kept in place by those who saw themselves as deserving of that level of authority over me. I didn’t shuffle passively. I’ve always been curious and certainly felt and continue to feel entitled to ask questions. My stance on perceived authority has been and remains rebellious. This pattern became super loud now that I had the atrocity of religion in my sights.

I see religious indoctrination as an act of violence against humanity. To take a new and currently forming mind of a child and mold said mind to suit the needs of a cruel, all-encompassing machine is most unethical. Add to that the seduction and consequent assimilation that is exercised and cultivated by religious enthusiasts toward adults who are in seeking mode and you’ve got a big old ball of horrifyingly injurious human behavior. The potential achievements that can come from the human mind should be nurtured and encouraged vigorously. Religion and its supernatural cousins stand like a concrete wall between potential and its realization. This is completely unacceptable. Of course I am aware, and have been since my early teens, that religion came about as a form of government. Boundaries and rules are necessary for a productive society. But truly, people, we’re way beyond the point of needing government to be driven by religion now. It’s simply absurd.

When I first began using twitter I was tweeting about politics, news, and the bullshit that goes along with all of that. Eventually I bumped into one or two outspoken atheists and I felt like I had struck gold. Intellectual and emotional gold, that is. As I watched them go head to head with theists I was comforted to see that there were many more minds out there that shared my world view. At that point I was already beyond my nihilism by approximately two years. I had offered my family and friends, some religious, my renewed exhilaration for life and all the contemplations that created it. Some were excited and some were disturbed. It made no difference to me. I knew I had made my way to the true beginning of the rest of my days. So I tossed myself into this lovely sea of free thinkers with complete abandon. As I made my way around the atheist section of the twitterverse, I found that what I had to say and what I had learned was nothing new. An amazingly beautiful sensation to be sure.

Now more than six months later I have found myself in a space in my real life where it’s not even necessary to discuss my atheism unless I’m involved in a civil debate more often triggered by questions about my perspective from theists. On twitter I see these debates being handled rather well. I enjoy seeing the different styles of those I follow and applaud them whenever I have the opportunity. My interest has rested, temporarily, in the area of intellectual, psychological, and emotional empowerment. I find that the more one feels their own worth, the closer they get to utilizing reason and logic to find their way through life and all of its challenges. The continued use of reasoning often allows for a more developed and tempered recognition and use of emotion. If one can set up this sort of mental foundation they are more likely to think independently and ultimately will offer a greater contribution to themselves and the world around them. I have no desire to remove anyone’s coping mechanisms prior to giving them the opportunity to at least grasp the notion that there may be another way. Religion, faith, prayer and the perception of an all-powerful being looking out for specific humans are all coping mechanisms. Albeit primitive but nonetheless utilized by many to ‘get through’ life. Life isn’t something to get through. It’s a beautiful mess of fun, fearful, risky, indulgent, satisfying, challenging, and sometimes brutal experiences. All to be relished and appreciated. I wouldn’t want to pray my way through such an incredible and fleeting experience. Would you?

I’ll continue to express my opinions and share my experiences as I see fit. That’s the reward of becoming and being a free thinker. As for the strong foundation I have built as I moved along the path to atheism, it just fits. And I’m realistically certain it will remain.


Filed under Atheism, Personal Evolution

Note To Self

The thing I want to address today is what the fuck is with expectations? Yours, mine, theirs. Are people aware that their reality is not my reality? I’m fully aware that my reality isn’t yours. Furthermore your emergency is not my emergency and vice versa. When the bottom falls out of my current reality, when my expectations are proven to be bullshit, I stop. I sit in it, and I reevaluate my options as well as my plan of action. I don’t feel it necessary to justify any adjustments as I put them into motion. I have no problem communicating to those who will be effected by my alterations exactly what they can expect. Outside of alerting those individuals, my choices are simply that. They’re mine. Due to the fact that I contemplate in a thorough manner precisely what it is I need to do in response to unexpected events, I have a great deal of confidence regarding my newly formed perspective. I may look to one or two friends for loose advice but I don’t need anyone to like or approve of my final decision. I need to feel comfortable with what I do. Everyone else can take care of their own feelings. I wonder from time to time what the world would be like if we could all engage in a healthy level of expectation or even dependency. It will never happen, of course, nevertheless I do enjoy the moment when my imagination can offer me a snapshot of the possibilities.

I realize that my extreme level of independence is not very conducive to forming or maintaining intimate relationships be they romantic or platonic. That being said I have enjoyed several relationships in my lifetime that have lasted for more than 40 years and a few that have developed within recent years. Some with family members, most with friends. I have been fortunate in that I have been able to find a few people along the way that are capable of letting me be me while I support them being them. And as I get older the whole dance becomes easier and smoother for all involved. It’s all about expectations and the ability to readjust them. Staying fluid with myself as well as others affords me the space that I need to move around inside these relationships with reasonable comfort. Once in a great while I bump into an obstacle set up by another when they need more from me than I can deliver. With adequate articulation we usually move beyond it. And then there are the occasions when we simply have to part ways, maybe for a period of time, maybe for good. Either way, if I feel I’ve been true to myself I’m quite satisfied with whatever the result. I’ve thought it through, I’ve been brutally honest with myself, I’ve exercised objectivity so it all seems logical to me. I can certainly live with that.

In the last year I have experienced some huge changes. One being the diagnosis of my father’s dementia. Now let me describe for you how this ties in with expectations both coming and going. As a child I was mesmerized by my father’s ability to make any crisis into a comedy. Funerals, kids in trouble at school, loss of employment and the like. He didn’t ignore the importance of these events, he simply didn’t allow them to encompass his every thought or decision. His coping mechanisms were often sarcasm, irreverence and full-on ball breaking. My father is a little man, a very gentle man, and he is also an intelligent person who had a way of observing life exactly the way it presented itself to him. If pushed or threatened in some way he didn’t hesitate to take action. Due to his truly admirable social skills he could often times turn an enemy into a friend in a matter of minutes. Not by acquiescing to be sure. Just by making fucking sense. He taught me to play chess at a very young age and while we would plan our annihilation of each other he would drop philosophical gems on me that I still refer to today. His perspective and observations have proven to be timeless. He has been, for better or worse, the greatest father a girl like me could have (yes, I’m well aware of my bias). His encouragement of my natural use of logic while leaving emotion for the most appropriate of occasions from an early age has made my self-concept a much healthier one than it would have been had anyone else been guiding me. Of this I feel quite sure. After many years of taking this relationship with my father for granted, and I mean that in the best possible way, I now have to adjust my expectations. He is no longer completely there. He often times can’t access his own vast vocabulary. Due to his condition, my father has no control over sadness or happiness. Both come on way more intensely than he had experienced throughout his life. Watching my father sob uncontrollably over something that in the past would have simply caused him to well up a bit is a heartbreaking reality and calls for a new level of expectation from me. My father is alive and I’m happy about that. I just can’t expect to see my Dad as the man he was, the man who raised me to be independent, the man who constantly told me that I was fine exactly as I am. There is no renegotiating with him how our relationship will now be. I needed to allow for him to drop his end of it and I wanted to accomplish this with as much grace as I could gather. This in itself adds another adjustment to my expectations of myself. Now I had to be above the situation. I had to make this new coping mechanism work for both of us. I had to go way outside of my usual comfort zone and create a new perspective that would offer each of us the satisfaction and security we deserve. For the most part this is working very well. We enjoy our time together and I experience no resistance within myself when those moments come where I am in a position to comfort him through a crying jag. Of course I’m still fluid with him as I never know from one visit to the next how he will present himself. Sometimes I feel as though I’m lost in some weird space and other times I am grateful to offer him anything I can. Not only as a return on what he has given me over the years, also as a way to show up for another human being who gave his reality all that he possibly could. He wasn’t and isn’t perfect and neither am I. In that way, we still make a great pair.

I guess what I’m getting at is be aware of reality. Your reality isn’t shared by anyone outside of yourself. There may be many things we have in common but none of us see the world or life in exactly the same way. Be willing to change and grow as the things around you change and grow. Be okay with knowing that you are in this alone. Then when those moments come along where you and another are meeting in a space where everything seems lined up between you rather perfectly, you’ll be able to let that moment be the beautiful, temporary, and rare experience that it is. Then you can move beyond that moment and take some of the beauty with you when you go.


Filed under Atheism

The Post That’s More Like A Rant

I haven’t been the typical ranting cunt you’ve all come to appreciate or simply enjoy in the last few weeks. Now it’s time to blow off some steam. Let me start by saying that I am so over group-think bullshit that I can barely stand looking at my timeline anymore. That’s not to say I’m lacking any enjoyment from the great minds that continue to pass the baton around, taking turns at various methods of trying to get the message across to overly controlling meshuggenehs. I love the gems you fuckers throw out there. Truly. It’s the repeated exposure to what you’re all responding to that is desensitizing me. That’s a dangerous place for me to arrive at due to the fact that I barely give a fuck as it is. That being said, the most powerful motivator for my desire to put anyone on blast has been when I observe the surreptitious manner in which those who claim to be victims of  ‘Other Tweeters Are Hurting My Feelings Abuse’ go around ultimately maligning or purposely agitating those who are willing to stand at the front lines in the battle for a secular and egalitarian globe. The only personalities that get off on this sort of behavior are those whose minds are operating from a fear-based foundation. Everything’s offensive and all harm done is everyone else’s fault. When these pussies show up under the guise of being the only true fighters for ‘the good fight’, their need to control the tones, behaviors, beliefs, language, methods, and passions of others takes on a form that utterly disgusts me. My first impulse had been to bust into a given thread and bang some heads together. Unfortunately my indifference toward this realm of the twitterverse has only grown. That impulse now passes rather quickly if it even manifests at all and I don’t feel inspired to rant. These clearly religious, anti-religious folks have lost their sparkle. They’ve become irrelevant to me because they truly have no impact on anything real. I’d prefer to spend my precious twitter time on people, topics and issues that offer some fucking significance and a pathway to genuine change and growth.

Another sneaky little development that I’ve picked up on very recently is coming from twitter accounts being run by ambiguous personas (I’m not talking about obvious trolls here so stop jerking off, Irish Bloke) schmoozing their way into threads involving open discussions on a variety of topics. They deliberately appear from the outset to be aligning themselves with the majority perspective that naturally develops in the thread. These individuals endear themselves to others with some well-placed compliments and fluffy statements in hopes of setting up a sense of security and after a relatively moderate amount of exchanges that afford them success in gaining likability, they begin a methodical picking apart of the arguments they’ve just recently claimed to adhere to. Now listen, I love a good argument, a fight-to-the-death debate, but when the debate is a setup for the fulfillment of an unforeseen agenda, all bets are off. I’m definitely going to expose, dress down, and ultimately devour these douche buckets.

So we not only have a bunch of fucking criers running around twitter saying, “She/He has offended me with her/his tweets”, we also have at least a few slippery types who are looking for the back entrance into a decent, well-handled debate or discussion only to satisfy their urge to disturb others for fuck-only-knows what reason. I realize many of you enjoy batting these malcontents around, I certainly do from time to time. I think what gets me riled up about it is noticing, now from a greater distance, how the energy spent by those I really respect and admire is being used up on worthless, self-loathing types that represent little more than filler in a community of intelligent, proactive, perspective-shifting social geniuses. You beautiful badasses know who you are, the ones who I adore out loud and never hesitate to tell you that I not only appreciate what you do here, you also force me to raise the bar on myself. And there’s the rub. When the true movers and shakers get tied up with sincerely trying to escort the seemingly confused asshole to a place of reason only to find that the entire exchange was a game from the beginning, I drop my head in utter frustration. I’m deflated, temporarily, of course, but deflated nonetheless.

So here’s a little something I brought along to the party for you pussified, underhanded, still scared of mommy’s and daddy’s judgement types; pull yourselves together. Do it now or do it soon. The reason being that I am staring down death on a daily basis here and I have less than zero tolerance for any and all horshittery. I’m hitting my fourth week of it today. This is not the first time I have been faced with something powerful enough to show me what the fuck matters and what doesn’t. It’s merely the most recent. This work I am doing now serves as a refresher in the course I took several years ago when I schooled myself on what it means to be true, what it means to be committed, loyal, compassionate and empathetic. What it means to pay attention to what you choose to utilize from your toolbox of coping mechanisms. That actions and reactions have consequences. Therefore taking a good long and honest look at your behavior may allow you the opportunity to become an authentic contributor in the world around you. Conversely, jumping up and down while screaming and crying after you yourself set the stage for a confrontation you weren’t able to resolve due to your agenda being in existence way before you approached the table, makes you a complete asshole. I’m not suffering assholes well these days so I’ve made the decision to go with it. Strap yourselves in, Dolls. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll hear the sounds of whistling winds through a tunnel every fucking time you bend over.


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