Monthly Archives: July 2014

How Not To Care What Anyone Thinks Of You

I noticed a tweet from someone that I happen to adore. She asked millions of us how is it that we can truly not care about what others think of us. At first, I just wanted to hug her because that’s what I do but then I thought, how did I finally accomplish that? I realized it had been a tough road loaded with disappointments and great discomfort. A path that I insisted on taking up having grown fatigued by it all. Tired of everyone’s two fucking cents about how I think, behave, or generally live my life.

Back then I had decided to carve way down to my very core to find out who I really was, how I truly saw the world, and what the fuck I wanted to do with the rest of my days here. This process is dense with rewards but I won’t lie, it takes real commitment, hardcore perseverance, and the willingness to not take yourself too seriously. The latter being necessary for when you bump into shit about yourself that you swore you would never change. And the coping methods that you believe help you through adversity will need honest analysis as well. You have to break your own balls, really. You’ve got to be willing to use your own harsh judgement on yourself. But the garbage you’ve accumulated in your head regarding others’ opinions of you, that you hold on to in order to continue abusing your self-worth… you need to drop that shit. Immediately.

Here’s why. No one knows you like you do. No one cares for you the way that you do. No one’s love can be as valuable to you as the love you know you need to have for yourself. And until you have it, you’re going to be chasing it. You’re going to look to anyone who gives you even a bit of attention for approval. It’s going to make you feel like shit sometimes. For a few of you, it’s going to feel like shit a lot of the time. Because you’re leaving it up to someone else to decide if you’re worthy of acceptance. Read that sentence again. Looks pretty meshuggeneh doesn’t it?

So work on you liking you. Find out what you like and don’t like. What you find acceptable and what you don’t. What you’re willing to tolerate from those in your intimate circle and what sorts of behaviors will end up with them on the outer most perimeter. Be okay with the changes in others as they respond to becoming acquainted with your alterations. With this level of focus you’re bound to change a few things.

You need to see that you and you alone are the person you trust most to take good care of you. There’s nothing that can compare with that understanding. You won’t be presenting with fear and insecurity because you’ll know, you got this. You’ll feel more like you’re sharing space and time with people. Less like a person who’s visiting everyone else’s lives.

So get in there and get dirty. Face your shame. Face your mistakes. Face your regrets. Be honest about it so you can clean that fucker out completely. Correct the things you can and forgive yourself for the things you can’t fix. You’d forgive someone you love wouldn’t you? That’s what I’m saying.

Then take that honesty and look at all the things you did with the best of intentions. Look at all the shit you overcame right up until this moment. The obstacles you figured your way through when you weren’t sure if you’d succeed. Make yourself look at all the good choices you’ve made. Reach back in your memory and see the faces of those who have smiled because of something you said or something you did. I’d bet you’ll say to yourself, oh look, an individual who does their best and fucks up sometimes. Welcome to being human.

Finally, you have got to get off the bizarre loop that constantly flashes mental pictures of how and why you don’t measure up. I ask you, who made the rules for what’s okay and what’s not?

*crickets*

That’s what I thought. So you see, there’s no logical reason to seek approval from others. On anything. Just be sure you’re truly okay with yourself. Keep yourself in check. Stay fulfilled and hungry. Set your bar high according to your own standards. Be cool to those you love and make sure they’re cool to you.
You know what to do.
Keep in mind, you started out liking yourself. We all did. Then we threw ourselves out into the world and somehow everyone else’s perspective became more valuable than our own.
What a load of horseshit that is.

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No Such Thing As Easy

For several months I have been hitting a wall of writer’s block that I would obviously prefer to be scaling. Finally, and thanks to a tweeter who had the courage to contact me, I can feel that wall starting to crumble. He said something that opened my mind to a route of thoughts which led me to realize that I wasn’t climbing high enough. He mentioned ‘casting his net’ to find his way toward a more complete recovery from past trauma. Although I’ve enjoyed an amazing recovery myself, I feel I can ‘cast my net’ much wider.

While working with Chris Krzeminski as he writes All These Quiet Places, I continue to find places in my mind that were previously unexplored. They certainly aren’t comfortable to visit but what worthwhile growth is?
I take the hits as they come and do my best to understand them so I can lay them to rest. Daunting to be sure, but absolutely necessary. The nagging tug of slanted perspectives is something I find more than annoying. It commands me to find a solution and ultimately a more accurate, healthier perspective.

I’ve been surprised at the things I never bothered to analyze yet I know this level of rigorous excavation isn’t common and I’m grateful to have these considerations brought to my attention. There’s no doubt in my mind that this had been pushing me into a lack of output due to all the internal work that’s been required. The only thing that really bothers me is the stranglehold this has had on my creativity, nevertheless I know it will eventually return to me.

The physical symptoms that have manifested are a true pain in the ass as nervousness, frequent activation of my gag reflex, and sleeplessness haunt me day in and day out. These are familiar although I haven’t experienced them in years. I’ve been very fortunate that way. Understanding them better this time around makes all the difference in how I cope and work to maintain my everyday activities alone or with others. This work belongs to me as does the responsibility of bringing myself to a new normal while I integrate all I’ve learned with all I had previously accumulated.

Today I feel less suffocation. Today I know I can trust myself to achieve a level of understanding that will benefit me and anyone who may get something from my future writings. There’s no such thing as easy and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’d like to offer a big thank you to the tweeter who had the bravery to share his thoughts with me. I owe you one.

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